Looking for a job is all about expectations. Before you start your search, you should know not to apply for these jobs, because you’ll never get them:

1. Gordon Gekko’s apprentice (Manhattan/Wall Street)

Charlie Sheen tried this in the 80s, and just look at him now. Also, Gekko is a fictional character from the movie Wall Street. You’ll probably look The Fool if you ask people on Wall Street where you can find his office.

2. Wal-Mart manager (Nowhere)

There is one fewer Wal-Mart in New York City than the number of Chick-Fil-A franchises.

3. Big Shot (Manhattan/At-Large)

Being a big shot is a difficult job to get, and it is generally frowned upon — especially by New York’s own Billy Joel.

4. New York Giants starting quarterback (Technically New Jersey…but shut up)

Unlike the New York Jets, who just let anyone be their starting quarterback (see: Sanchez, Mark), the Giants have standards. They only employ Mannings now.

5. King Kong slayer (Midtown Manhattan)

King Kong’s last appearance in the city was in 1933. While the giant ape likely has giant ape relatives somewhere in the world, they haven’t been seen. Stick to trying to defeat Donkey Kong.

Besides, your brute strength and smarts won’t matter. ‘Twas beauty killed the beast: